Dad

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

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  • Incest

    What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

    - It makes your sister jealous.

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  • Ankle

    You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

    Memes

    Airstrike

    What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

    They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

    Sarcasm

    I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

    Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

    Dad

    I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

    He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

    Forehead

    Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

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  • Kid

    What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

    A pair of gloves!

    Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

    911

    You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

    One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

    Orphan

    So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

    Chloroform

    So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

  • 3
  • Day

    After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

    God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

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