Humor

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

Suicidal people are groundbreaking.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

You shouldn’t bully fat people.

They already have enough on their plate.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."