Humor

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

Suicidal people are groundbreaking.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. the extra testicle.

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.