I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Yo Forehead is so big. .the photo on yo Driver's License says "to be continued on the back"
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
so i was sitting on the couch with a woman,and i asked her,does this napkin smell like chloroform?
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? A pair of gloves! Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What is killing your friend called? a homie-side
Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son "Come on Dick, lets go."
Man walks up to a priest. The man says "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says "No you are not my son." The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says "Jesus Christ your back!"
2 friends are talking and the one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The Friend says, "I was in my car."
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
what has three balls and flys through space?
E.T. the extra testicle
What is Stephen Hawking' favourite song
Head shoulders screws and bolts
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says "Okay I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts". So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me??" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
I would roast you but you don’t have any meat!
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast
