The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
Humor
What's the best part about plowing your cousin?
- It makes your sister jealous.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"
