Humor

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Suicidal people are groundbreaking.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.

What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. the extra testicle.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"