Humor

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

So, we all know that old kids' joke: why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Well, why was 10 scared? Because he was in the middle of 9 11.

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

Roses are red, violets are black. Why is your chest as flat as your back?

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.

What do you call depressed Sesame Street?

Emo's World.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Why aren’t orphan jokes funny?

The punchline isn’t apparent.

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?

Both have eight legs.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What’s ten feet long and bald?

The conga line in the cancer ward.

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

What's a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.