Humor

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"

Anatidaephobia

Roses are red, violets are black. Why is your chest as flat as your back?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

So, we all know that old kids' joke: why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Well, why was 10 scared? Because he was in the middle of 9 11.

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?

They are both going to be hanging from a tree.

What's a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

What do you call depressed Sesame Street?

Emo's World.

Why aren’t orphan jokes funny?

The punchline isn’t apparent.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”