Humor

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”

“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

I did a bungee jump for charity recently. It was called "spastics on elastics."

Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?

Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

What do you call an alligator that can't get hard? A reptile dysfunction.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.

What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.

"White people can't jump"...

"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."

Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?

Because it flew over their heads.

What's the best thing about abortion jokes?

They never get old.