Humor

What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?

Coldplay.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar. Just kidding :(

The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

Sonic can run around the world in a second.

In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister.

Daughter: But I don't have a sister.

Dad: Exactly.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

These gags are killing me!

Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.