Humor

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

Kid asks, "What is dark humor?" Me *points*, "See that guy across the street..." Kid: "I can't... I'm blind." Me: "Exactly."

What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?

Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.

Q: What does LMAO mean?

A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?

Because it flew over their heads.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

Some people think incest jokes are funny.

I just think it's all relative.

Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?

Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.