Humor

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?

Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.

Child: *realizes*

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

Kid asks, "What is dark humor?" Me *points*, "See that guy across the street..." Kid: "I can't... I'm blind." Me: "Exactly."

What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

Some people think incest jokes are funny.

I just think it's all relative.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.

Q: What does LMAO mean?

A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.