Humor
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, and the other is just a watermelon.
What happens if an Asian walks into a wall with a boner?
They hit their nose on the wall.
If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
Yo mama so fat, she wears Orion's belt!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Q: What do you call a man in a wheelchair?
A: Disabled.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite lunch? Eggs and shoulders.
The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What do monkeys and gorillas love to listen to?
The Monkees and Gorillaz.
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
What do you call a planet that poops? Uranus.
1st Person: Do you want to know something funny?
2nd Person: Yeah, sure!
1st Person: I don’t know, I’m German!
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally!
Why was three afraid of two? Because he killed everyone!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?