Humor

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I feel grate!

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.

Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.

Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?

Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.

Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.

How many times do you tickle a squid before it laughs?

TEN-TICKLES

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

What is Stephen Hawking's favorite song?

Head, shoulders, screws, and bolts.

Dad: 🦆

Kid: ?

Dad: 🦆🦆

Kid: Huh?

Dad: Ur too late...

Kid: WHAT!

Dad: .... GOOSE!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."

Are you getting the funnies?

Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?

What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.