Humor
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite song?
Head, shoulders, screws, and bolts.
Dad: 🦆
Kid: ?
Dad: 🦆🦆
Kid: Huh?
Dad: Ur too late...
Kid: WHAT!
Dad: .... GOOSE!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?
What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moooooooooooo, not whooooooooooooooooooooo!
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.