Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Humor
What do French ducks say?
Quoi quoi.
Why did George Clooney like egg jokes?
Because he had good taste.
Your mom is so fat, she fell down the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a plane with no wings?
Sally.
I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.
When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.
He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
Stephen Hawking couldn't take the stairway to Heaven, he had to take the lift.
