Hows jokes
How do terrorists feed their children?
Here comes the airplane.
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.