Hows jokes
How do you make a dishwasher work again?
Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
How much did the liver weigh?
It weighed a skeleTON.
What did the balls say to the dick?
Hey dick, how's it hanging?
How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?
B minor.
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He didn't have enough room for any more RAM on his motherboard. I feel so bad for saying that!
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
How does someone with Down's Syndrome vote?
Through a special ballot.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
How do you get an emo kid to jump?
A bridge.
Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
How do you know if an Asian is an orphan?
If their grade was only an A.
One time, there was a happy little girl. One day, her teacher asked how many legs and arms a pineapple have. She said,
"You know those pokey things on it? That's how many."
Teacher says, "That's dumb. They have zero." Then the next day, the girl set a fire in her house, and she burned her legs and arms. Then she survived and went to school. Then the teacher said, "I heard your house went on fire, and by the way, you know you don't have no arms or legs, right?" The girl said, "OK." Then the teacher asked the question the teacher asked yesterday again. She said, "What do you call a girl with no legs or arms?" The teacher said, "Answer my question!" The girl said, "OK, OK, the girl said 13." The teacher said, "Pineapples do not even have legs!"
Then the teacher had to calm down. Then the teacher said to the girl, "Ask a question. Whatever you want." Then the girl said, "Ok, and I'm sorry, teacher." Teacher said, "It's ok, I need a break." The girl said, "What do you call a girl without legs or arms?" Someone from the class, her name was Nia, she said, "A worm." She said, "NO!!!" The teacher said, "Calm down. Just tell us what!" The girl said, "OK then." The girl said it.......
And y'all who is reading my story, guess what the answer is before I tell you and by the way the girl's name is Sunny. Back to story.........she said the answer is A PINEAPPLE! Then when the teacher was calm, she told her to sit down. Then the teacher read a story, "The Three Little Pigs." Then the girl went home, she got a new house, then lived happily ever after.
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
Q: How heavy is a photon?
A: It's light!
How do you spell "cognitive mess?"
J.O.E. B.I.D.E.N.