Hows jokes
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"
I replied, "As soon as possible!"
Hi, how are you today?
How do you quiet a baby down?
Make baby back ribs for dinner.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Memes
How does water say hi?
It waves.
How does he go for a poo? He logs out.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He had a power cut.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
Hey Explain bear, how would you like to be replaced by #ExplainNibbles the hamster AI?
How do rappers keep their breath fresh?
With some FRESH BEATS.
How does a rapper keep track of time?
With his rhyming watch!
Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?
Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.
Student: Ok!!
Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?
Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.
Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.
Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.
I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
FICTIONAL BOOKS / AUTHORS
Outdoor Entertaining by Patty O.
Over the Mountaintop by Hugo First.
Plumbing for Idiots by Duane Pipes.
Music Theory by Amanda Lynn Player.
Meterology 101 By Wendy Reign and Sonny Daze.
Oh God By Dixie Rect.
Please Don't Stop By Craven Moorehead.
Life And Times Of A Porn Star By Dixie Normous.
Right Stuff By Dang Lin-Wang.
How To Take Care of Your Cat By Connie Lingus.
Right Way 2 Orgasm By Buster Cherry.
The Unwanted Child By Brooke N Rubbers.
Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"
To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."
Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."
The police said "How old are you?"
Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.
How did Santa fit down the chimney?
He buttered it.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.