Hows jokes
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How are orphans and blind kids similar?
They both have never seen their parents :)
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
What did one bean say to the other bean?
How you bean?
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
How to become a monkey?
Put a red dot on your forehead.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
How do you tell the difference between a Communist and everybody else? The way they are spelled.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
How does Osama feed his child? "Here comes the airplane, here comes another one."
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
How do crazy people get through a forest?
They take the psycho-path!
How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it's a find-a-word. 😂🤣
How do you keep a bull from charging?
You take its credit card away.