So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
Chuck Norris told those three men how to climb Trump's wall.
How u know if a comedian is high. Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
How Jupiter was discovered.
Once there was a fat lady who farted yellow, orange, and peach. All that fart went to space and created a planet that NASA saw and went over there, but it smelled really bad.
What do you call a person with one arm, one leg, one eye, and one ear?
ONESY.
“Hey dad, how do you kill a star?” - Give them drugs.
I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.
The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."
So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."
How do Asians name their kids? They drop spoons and forks down the stairs. Chin Chan Chon.
How are genders and twin towers alike? There used to be 2 but now it's a sensitive topic.
A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?
(They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)
Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.
How did the guy greet his wife?
"Howdy, sister!"
Sans: haha... Paps: what? Sans: i KNEW it was gonna rain today. Paps: that's nearly impossible, how? Sans: i could feel it in my bo- Paps: OH MY GOD STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!
This boy said, "Get your hairline straight." I said, "Girls don't have a hairline. How about you go to the barber shop and let your barber do your hair 10 times worse than he did the first time."
How do you know if a woman that is poor who is between 18-24 years old is poor enough to do anything for money to help pay her bills? She would be working as a lesbian prostitute inside a lesbian hotel in San Francisco, CA.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.
