Hows jokes
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?
Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.
Stephen Hawking walked into a bar.
Oh, is that how he ended up in a wheelchair?
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
How do you punish a blind kid?
Move to a new house.
This song is just like how my life is and how my girlfriend left.
- Do Re Mi- By- blackbear
Do, re, mi, fa, so
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)
Do, re, mi, fa, so
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yeah, if I could go back to the day we met
I probably would just stay in bed
You run your mouth all over town
And this one goes out to the sound
Of breakin' glass on my Range Rover
Pay me back, or bitch it's over
All the presents I would send
Fuck my friends behind my shoulder
Next time, I'ma stay asleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep, oh
And you got me thinkin' lately
Bitch, you crazy
And nothing's ever good enough
I wrote a little song for ya
It go like
Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl
So fuckin' done with all the games you play
I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe
Send the X and O's on another note
I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby
So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)
If I could go back to the day we met
I probably would've stayed in bed
You wake up everyday and make me feel like I'm incompetent
Designer shoes and Xanax tabs
Compliments your make-up bag
You never had to buy yourself a drink
'Cause everybody want to tap that ass sometime
And you got me thinkin' lately
Bitch, you crazy
And nothing's ever good enough
I wrote a little song for ya
It go like
Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl
So fuckin' done with all the games you play
I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe
Send the X and O's on another note
I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby
So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)
I wrote a little song for you, it go like
Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl
So fuckin' done with all the games you play
I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe
Send the X and O's on another note
I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby
So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Do, re, mi, fa, so
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
How do you name a Chinese kid?
Throw a frying pan on their head, "Ching Chong!"
How does the cheetah do in every race?
It’s always a cheetah.
The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.
Black and bitter.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor? You nail its other hand to the floor.
How do you annoy Pinocchio?
Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"
Kile: Hey, asshole! I bet you listen to trash 50 Cent! How about you get to quarters, listen to him! My favorite rapper is the best of all! How about you go eat a cracker, you parrot nose, fuck!
Remy: I'm... y-y... YOUR DUMBER THAN ANT! I BET YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER IS A CANDY RAPPER!!
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
Jonny went fishing and he didn’t know how to cast his pole, and he asked his friend Joe how to cast it. Then when he cast, he only cast 3 feet, and he never learned how to do it.