Hows jokes
How dare you people make 9/11 jokes? It's just "plane" rude!
How do rappers greet each other?
With a "Mic check, one-two."
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
Why can't an orphan suck my nut?
A girl can, one knows how.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."
Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
This is how to die soft 101.
Yo bro, you good? You need a hug?
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With Doritos!
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They tell her to sit in the corner in a circular room.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.