Hows jokes

If a gay person is vegan, how does he have sex? He will keep getting meat stuck in his ass and in his throat.

Stephen Hawking had a high I.Q., but still had to learn how to be disabled.

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Sup guys, how are you?

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist resort?

It's not hard.

How do you say “Yes, you look good” in Spanish?

– Sí...

See deez nuts!

I smell up dog in here.

"What's up, dog?"

Nothing much, how about you?

How did the toilet react when it received a gift?

That was so pot full (thoughtful)!

The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?

One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A: A bed.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: How many letters are in the alphabet? A: 11. A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

Dawn rises on the Serengeti, and she has no idea as to how she got there.

How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

FEW!!!!!!!

Good morning, Gwen, how are you?

Uranus be like, "Oh look, I'm Uranus. Imagine how disgusted I feel."

Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)

Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?

Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.