How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
How to kill a blind person.
Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do you make a fruit punch?
You give it a pair of boxing gloves.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
