Hows jokes

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.