Hows jokes
My friend asked me:
Friend: "How much is your body worth?"
Me: "1 million."
Friend: "1 million dollars?!"
Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."
Friend: "Oh."
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
How do you get a clown off your swing?
You shoot it.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the router.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
How did Steven Hawking die?
He forgot his log on password.
Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"
What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... How many fingers am I holding up?
How many Lowe’s could Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?
There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!