How did the air beat me at chess? It did that thing, haha!
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
How did Stephen hawking get up the stairway to heaven?
He didn’t, there was no lift...!
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
How many times do yo tickle a squid before it laughs???
TEN-TICKLES
How do you poop?
Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"
I said, "On a stove!"
How did Steven Hawking die?
His wife needed a charger and plugged him out.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!
How do fish get to school?
By the octobus.
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"
How to decorate a wall:
Strip off the paper and original plaster.
Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.
Paint it (if you want).
Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the wifi.
