Hows jokes

How does the dog dance?

He doesn't... he's dead.

I like my women how I like my cigars: 7 years old and coming from Cuban in a burlap sack.

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

Some moving men had just begun their day's work.

The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.

The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?

Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

How 9/11 Happened!:

Hey Bush, Truth or dare?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Let me tell you how I escaped Iraq. Iran! (;)