How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
How did the Java programmer's son get rich?
Because of inheritance.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
How does a mathematician get tan?
sin/cos.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
How do trees get online? -- They just log in.
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
