Hows jokes
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
How do you annoy Pinocchio?
Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"
What's the time?
How would I know?
How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?
"Because he felt it in his bones?"
No,
He read the weather app, you idiot.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!