Hows Jokes

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

How do you make a blond snowman? You can't, you have to hollow out the head.

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

How do you know your baby is dead?

It stopped screaming after not feeding the bastard for a month.

Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?

How do you think Princess Diana died?

...Too soon?

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's a silly question. Feminists can't change anything.

How do you make Indians explode? Press the red button.

Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

How do you get 50 babies into a car?

You blend them.

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.