Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?
A. Depends how thin you slice them.
(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
How to kill a blind person.
Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.
