Howe jokes

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

A. Depends how thin you slice them.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!