Howe jokes

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In tiny Knotsies.

How does a cow become invisible? -- Through camooflage.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

A. Depends how thin you slice them.