How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In tiny Knotsies.
You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only Juan.
