How To jokes
How to trick a gay man into having sex with a woman?
Take a dump on her vagina!
The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."
Why are orphans bad at basketball?
They haven't learned how to keep the ball with them.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
"Nining leven BITCH. I don't know how to spell, but it's that shit where the planes flew into them towers."
How do you shrivel a dick?
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What's the number one thing in an orphan's search history?
"How to find a family."
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
Why do orphans have phones?
Because they don't know how to call home.
Why do orphans not know how to play baseball?
Because they cannot find home.
How to kick a deaf person off the plane:
Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.
Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.
Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
Hey, I’m George, and this is how to figure out if someone is a psychopath.
Go into someone’s search history, and find “Cuphead ship fanfic”.
Hey George, why do you have Russia x America countryhumans?
How do you have sex? You take off your clothes and shove your dick in the girl's pussy. If girl suck his dick.
if you ask an artist how to commit suicide, they will say a very creative way
I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."
Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.