House jokes
I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Here are 20 jokes for you:
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
How does a bee style its hair? With a honeycomb!
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!
Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer!
I hope these jokes brought a smile to your face! Let me know if you'd like to hear more.
Why does rapeboat like going to the dog shelter? It's cheaper than a whore house.
What do you call a house with dog hair?
A shed.
Waking up wit a tank top
Why was the piano waiting at the front door?
Because it forgot which key to use!
A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”
Time for a random Terraria joke.
Q: Why did the guide die at his house?
A: The player dropped his doll in the lava.
(WALL OF FLESH HAS AWOKEN) :| Oh crap!
Site nearly as dead as my trim.
Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.
I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.
Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.
Buy KFC = 1 dead orphan in your house.
What's the difference between an orphan and a Chinese kid?
The Chinese kid has a home.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?
A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.
My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.
Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
What do you call an orphan? No home-o.
You're so short that you build a tiny house for yourself.