Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
A girl came to my house. She said, "Where are your parents?" I started crying.
It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wifeโs mom and dad just died.
Wife: ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญI wish this never happened.
Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, itโs ok. I love whenever I see you๐ฅฐ๐ฅฐ
Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I wonโt, but I love you when you're alive ๐๐
Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when weโre alive, but you donโt love us when weโre dead๐คฅ๐ฅ๐
Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommyโs mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sad๐ก๐คฌ. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry ๐ฃ when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then weโll get you back. Mom says:
This was not a joke. I just did this for Love ๐
Having cockroaches in the house is a sign that you've food.
These things are like Ugandan girls, they hate poverty.
Bully: You're a loser and fat.
Me: Shut up. The camera thought you were a house.
I am not telling you twice, your mouth stinks, so go burn your house down like a crazy mad woman, and I will call the cops like, "WTH," because you are so fat.
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Question: What does baseball have that orphans don't?
Answer: A home.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, โMommy, can little girls have babies?โ โNo,โ said his mom, โOf course not.โ Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, โItโs okay! We can play that game!โ
Orphans maybe got phones, but they don't have a home button.
What do you call a house with dog hair?
A shed.
What tv series do orphans hate? House M.D
What do you call an orphan? No home-o.
Donโt like this post, or else I will go to your house and eat you! ๐
Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.
So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!
It's really funny, read through everything slowly.
Say "I'm a man" after everything I say.
I went to the bar. "I'm a man." You saw this woman. "I'm a man." You guys married. "I'm a man." You guys bought a house. "I'm a man." You guys went to bed. "I'm a man," you said. "I'm a man," she said. "I'm a man."
