Hospital Jokes

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.

The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.

Just to test their patients.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs!

i wanna be a firefighter when i grow up

A news article headline reads: "4-year-old Hazel Park boy fatally mauled by pit bull, mother hospitalized." Below the headline is a photo of a young boy wearing a fireman's hat. The article is from the Detroit Free Press, and mentions Frank Witsll as the author and publication dates.

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage.

Why did the doctor check out Earth?

He had a tummy quake.

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

What’s the most common name for cancer patients?

Luke (leukemia)

A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”

The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

so a blind man got run over by a car......a parked car

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left.

Man: What?! What about my family?! My son is still missing! I can't just leave like that!

Doctor: Don't worry sir, I told your family.

Man: That's... great... if they found my son, tell them that I love him more than anything and I couldn't keep that promise.

The doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes.

Doctor: I will... dad...

Tq for reading my crappy joke.

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.