Hospital jokes

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.

Just to test their patients.

You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs!

Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage.

Why did the doctor check out Earth?

He had a tummy quake.

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

What’s the most common name for cancer patients?

Luke (leukemia)

A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”

The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

So, a blind man got run over by a car... a parked car.