Hospital jokes
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.
Just to test their patients.
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.
Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"
Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"
Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."
Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.
Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"
Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"
Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?
There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!
You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.
Why did the doctor check out Earth?
He had a tummy quake.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)