Hospital Jokes

Doctor: you'll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence...

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

whats the fastest way to get to the hospital? stand in the middle of the road

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the materinity ward was put on lockdown

My friend showed me his broken finger and i said JESUS, he said his name is Jake

In the hospital they need to keep the disabled patients rooms cooler than the other patients rooms. Why? They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

roses are red, I'm not a boaster. Elon must got rushed to hospital after impregnating toaster.

Why is there AC in hospitals? To keep all the vegetables fresh.

So three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother, the first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So the mother replies “Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead.” The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So the mother explained “Same as Daisy, when you we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead.” The third daughter then said “ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb” so the mother said “Shut Up Brick!”

The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks "so you don't miss fried chicken."

dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer

I have cancer the doctor said I have 3 days to live but I was like fuck it and killed him the jury said I have life in prison I shouted yes he said thank you you saved my life

What were Michael Jackson's last words? Take me to the children's hospital.

my grandma unplugged the internet cable so i unplugged her life support

did you know? about 9 months after a power outage 50% more babies are born because it is dark

Man Goes To The Doctor He Has A Banana sticking out of one ear , a carrot stinking out of the other ear and a green been stinking out of one nostrils. "Doctor, I'm not feeling well" the man complains. " Well, it's no wonder" The Doctor replies " You're not eating right"