Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?
Because he can’t sniff their hair.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
Where do bunnies go when they're sick?
The hoppital.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.
Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.
