Hospital

Hospital jokes

Death

    • Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...

    Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?

    Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

  • 2

    • Vegetable

    • In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.

    Why?

    They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

  • 1
    • Hospital memes

    Migraine

    • One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

    The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

  • 0

    • Stab

    • "And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

    "You stabbed my brother!"

    "It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

  • 0

    • Cancer

    • Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

    Nurse: *Laughs*

    Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

    Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

    Proceeds to laugh.

  • 1

    • Grandma

    • 3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

    Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

    Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

    Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

    Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

    Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

    Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

  • 1

    • Sister

    • My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

    She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

  • 4

    • Titty

    • So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"

  • 0

    • Doctor

    • You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

  • 2

    • Friend

    • If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.

  • 0

    • Snake

    • There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

  • 10

    • Doctor

    • DARK ALERT********

    A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.

    DARK ALERT********