Hospital jokes
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?
people go there to fix their mistakes.
A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, 1 to change the lightbulb, 9 to talk about how inspired they are?
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.
Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.