Hook Jokes

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!

Why did Harry fall out of the boat?

Because he's hooked!

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

Why do rappers make terrible pirates?

Because they’re always DROPPING HOOKS!

I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

Give them a Sandy Hook.

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

What kind of punch do little kids give to other little kids? The Sandy Hook.

Husband and wife get into a fight wife says “go blow off some steam I’ll let you fuck a hooker” so he does that comes back and says “I’m off the hook now”