Hook jokes

Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second-hand store.

I'm always hanging in there.

Hanging on the wall.

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

Is laughing a problem?

Laughing at what?

I want to jump.

Jump—what?

Jump off the hook.

I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.

What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?

"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common? Shooting up schoolchildren.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

Why did the rapper become a fisherman?

Because he wanted to reel in the BEST HOOKS.

Why did Harry fall out of the boat?

Because he's hooked!

What kind of punch takes out 20 children and 8 adults? A Sandy Hook.

Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

A man decides one day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet or paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud.

"Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot," says the bird.

"Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!"

"I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird.

"Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs."

"Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers."

"Wow, you really understand everything I say, don't you?"

"Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport, and philosophy, and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you."

The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I cannot afford that."

"Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you."

The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What!?" says the man.

"Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth."

"And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?"

"Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere."

"My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?"

"Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down."

"And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams.

"No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick..."

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.