Home jokes

Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?

ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.

The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”

How do you close a cabinet?

You closet! Hahahhyaahhahaaahhahaha!

I did a good job and walk walk home and walk walk to the car and drive. What is the difference between a good [what]?

What is the difference between a human and a house? A human can walk, and a house cannot walk.

"One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.

"Others, Morris, Sal, Sal, Rasuba Marid, Things!"

My son is broken: "I think at home!"

Happiness!

Orphans can't find the home page.

I would create an orphan website, but you need a homepage to do that.

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?

Depends how hard you throw 'em.

Two whales went to a bar.

The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh." The second whale said, "Greg, I think you're drunk, let's go home."

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.

Phone rings; "Are your parents home?"

Orphan; "Stop calling here!"

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

What do you call an orphan with a gun?

(No) home shooter.

Why did the orphan get kicked out of baseball?

They couldn't hit home base.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

Why can’t orphans build anything?

Because they can’t go to Home Depot.

Bob, why are you kicking the kids?

What, it's not like they have a home to go to.

Why can't orphans call their friends?

Because they don't have a home phone!