Him Jokes

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

The image shows an oak tree with a face. Above the tree, text says: "oh no my dad is driving drunk someone stop him!" some random oak tree:

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

What did Michael Jackson say to the child sitting on him?

“Just beat it! Just beat it!”

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

Give a blind kid a torch and tell him it's a hairdryer.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"

After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"