Hes jokes

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

The teacher of the ELA class said that whoever answers this next question gets to go home. Then a kid sitting next to the window threw his bag out the window. Teacher asked who threw that, he said, "Me, I'm going home." Before he could move the teacher pointed a ruler at him and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot," he got suspended for asking which end.

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

Why can't Biden play chess?

Because he doesn't have the towers.

Why did Adolf Hitler like nuts? He only had one.

Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?

He could not get up the stairs?

Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?

He won a no-bell prize.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.

Why shouldn’t you play basketball with a pig?

Because he’s a ball hog.

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months?

He lost May.

How do you know when a football player has been to jail?

When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.

THIS IS A RHYME

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna.

Jill said yes as he grabbed her dress,

and they had a little fun.

Jill forgot her pills so now they have a son.