Hes jokes

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

A man walks into a bar.

Then he walks into a Pole.

Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"

what did Bruce Willis say after he had a vasectomy? "snip-y ki yay motherfucker"

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

Why is E.T. better than an orphan?

Because he found his way home.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Why is he called Ben 10? Because he is ten in long.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because he got stuck in a crack.

A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.

Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.

When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Michael Jackson broke his window. What does he say? "I can't see."

What are Michael Jackson's pronouns? "He he."

Why does Michael Jackson like spaghetti? He likes the little meatballs.

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"