Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboard?

Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.

When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

Me: Hey friend!

Friend: Yes?

Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.

Friend: Touch.

Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)

Friend: Grass.

Me: And you get?

Friend: Touch grass.

Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?

A: Hearing Aids.

Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!

Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?

She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.

Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?

Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!

Did you hear about the racist sprinkler?

It kept going: "Spick spick spick Chink chink chink!"