Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the racist sprinkler?

It kept going: "Spick spick spick Chink chink chink!"

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.

Hi, I'm new here and I'm 11. I'm just bored and want a girlfriend.

Does anyone have Snapchat or Twitter? I can show you what I look like ;)

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

The sun is out, and the pedo vans are out.

Parents, keep your kids away from ice cream vans. Once they hear the sound, you'll never see your kids again!

Perfect dinner joke.

Did you hear about the new movie, "Constipated?"

It hasn’t come out yet.

At least 32 people hate orphan jokes.

And I thank all the people who participate in this protest.

Did you hear Stephen Hawking has a new book out?

It's about time!

Want to hear a dad joke? Look in the mirror. You get the joke.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.

Sike, that's the wrong number!

ooooooooooooooooooooo

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.