Heard jokes
Have you heard about the smart traveler? He's clearly going places.
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?
Me: Oh, good, you?
Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.
Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.
Hupun DEEZ NUTS!
I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."
So this is how I got divorced.
On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
You've heard of anal sex.
You've heard of oral sex.
You've heard of genital sex.
But have you ever heard of NASAL SEX?
Ever heard of iLadies? I laid deez nutz on yo' face!
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
I heard he's doing a revival tour next month. It's called "Stephen Hawking Unplugged."
Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in for ya?
Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?
A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.
Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Guy 2 whispering: Oh, I got tired of acting gay.
Guy 1: I heard you. Why are you acting gay?
Guy 2: To attract gays and then give them advice.
Guy 1: So what's your advice to me?
Guy 2: That I just know you're gay.
LOL xD
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)