Heard jokes

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"

"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"

What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up!

What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days!

What is the state of Texas for? Guns!

What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!)

What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly!

What is the state of Nevada for? Ever heard of gambling?

What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting!

What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Funniest Roblox Names I've heard:

ButtNugget123

Lil_RAT (user is actually Sillyowlbunny200)

baddasscarrot44

EggnogRat44

Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?

Why did the booty go to the party?

It heard it was a "bash."

Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke? I heard he got the Nobel Prize.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

Going in a military.

The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"

Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...

In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"

Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."

Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"

Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"

The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"

The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."

The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"

I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.

I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.

Have you heard the Twin Tower jokes? Well, they're more down than the Twin Towers.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I was playing Fortnite with a kid, then I heard their emo sister in the background, and it sounded like they were playing Fortnite, too, with the pistol shot and all.

Fred says, "Have you heard the rumor about butter?"

Bob says, "Umm no."

Fred then says, "Ah, okay then I won't spread it."