Heard jokes

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I get paid more than $200 to $400 per hour for working online. I heard about this job 3 months ago, and after joining this, I have earned easily $30k from this without having online working skills. Simply give it a shot on the accompanying site...

Here is I started.............>> fixpay1.blogspot.com

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the studio?

Because he heard the bars were high.

I heard helium won the lottery. Turns out, he lied.

"Do you have a noose?"

"Nose?"

"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."

"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"

"No."

*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*

I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?

I don't know why, but every 911 joke I've heard always comes crashing down.

The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

Mrs. Kadie, I just heard about a FGTEEV video about vegan nuggets.

Duddy: Sup FGTEEVERS, me and James Marsden just got some Chick-fil-A.

Viewers: Got ya again Mrs. Kadie.

Mrs. Kadie: Vincent and James, I am going to push you off your roof.

Duddy and James: AHHHHHHH!

Have you ever heard of sex? Because you just got fucked.

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.