Heard jokes

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??

Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!

Have you heard of the invention of the shovel? It's groundbreaking!

A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."

Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?

Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.

Stop the cap.

Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.

The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.

I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.

He’s used to penetrating aggressively.

Ever heard of ligma? Ligma ba--

Follow me.

I heard a noise, so I'm dead.

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

A basketball player walks into a strip club:

"Hi, I heard I could bounce some balls here?"

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

Have you heard of the Xbox game Sea of Thieves?

See if these nuts fit in your mouth.