Heard jokes

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??

Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!

Have you heard of the invention of the shovel? It's groundbreaking!

A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆

Follow me.

I heard a noise, so I'm dead.

Ever heard of ligma? Ligma ba--

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.

Have you heard about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

Have y'all ever heard of dad jokes? Y'all hairline is funnier than those.

A basketball player walks into a strip club:

"Hi, I heard I could bounce some balls here?"

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

Have you heard of the Xbox game Sea of Thieves?

See if these nuts fit in your mouth.

Hiii everyone, I heard from many people that they want to join the "stop orphan jokes" group. Who wants to?

I left a chunk of ice outside during summer. That was the first time I heard icescream.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."