Health jokes
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. 𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓭𝓲𝓮.
A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
Who is the first person an orphan sees? The doctor.
I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.
Q: What do you call a person with Down's syndrome who smokes weed?
A: Baked potato.
There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.
I hope my teacher will be ok.
Your mummy so skinny, she can't eat!