Health jokes
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
Who is the first person an orphan sees? The doctor.
I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.
Q: What do you call a person with Down's syndrome who smokes weed?
A: Baked potato.
There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.
I hope my teacher will be ok.
Your mummy so skinny, she can't eat!
It's still depression, by the way.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.