Have jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I have the flu!
Q: What do Moses and hookers have in common?
A: They've dealt with a burning bush.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna."
Jill said yes and lifted up her dress. They had some fun.
But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
What do Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have little boy's pants 1⁄2 off...
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
Why are Germans so good at cleaning?
They have experience in ethnic cleansing.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?
Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
How do planets have a baby?
They have spasex.
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."
~John F. Kennedy
If Finding Nemo was scientifically correct, Marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo.
What do a stool and an emo have in common?
They both sit still.
Why can't an orphan play football? Because they don't have a dad or mom.