Why can't Sally swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock, "Who's there?", not Sally.
Where did Sally go when the bombs dropped?
Everywhere.
Sally fell off the swing.
Sally has no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill-arious! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, very funny!
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he gets a hole in one.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What has more letters than the alphabet? -- The post office.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Yo mama so fat, she has her own event horizon.
Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
