What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him for a drag.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars... that's why there are no signs of life there.
Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.
What store has the most vegetables?
A nursing home.
What's Asian but has broken up with its girlfriend?
A dumpling.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill-arious! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, very funny!
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.