HA jokes
What has 5 legs, 3 arms, and 7 feet?
The finish line at the marathon bombing.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Why is Sally dead? Cause she has no arms.
A new burger has been invented in memory of Stephen Hawking.
I doubt it will sell though, as it's 95% cabbage.
Life has ups and downs, and they had downs.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?
Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Q. Why is Stephen Hawking so good at air guitar?
A. Because he has excellent string theory.
Jacob has a small penis.
What do you get when you mix an apple with water... applesauce. Wait, do not leave yet. If you are still reading this, you have been rekt, ha ha. At least I am still laughing.
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.
Why can't Sally hit herself? Because she has no arms.
Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.
So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"
A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.