Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Puns

Anonymous

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll

Advertisement

Sally

Anonymous

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Threesome

Anonymous

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Night

A random skeleton

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

Advertisement

Sally

Anonymous

Why couldn’t Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn’t Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn’t Sally pick up the box? (Friend: Some weird guess) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who’s there?) Not Sally.

Wife

Anonymous

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael’s wife died the same day that Mark’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, “Heck no. In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!” The old lady fainted. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

9

Chance

Gonky😂

You know when you sign up for something and it says im not a robot guess he never had the chance to tick that

Girl

Bill Cosby

A teaher gives her kindergarden students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors the students guess cherry lime and orange. They dont know th last flavor. So the teacher gives them and hint and say its what your parents call each other. [honey] But a little girl shouts and says “ OMG there assholes.

5
Advertisement

Depression

Anonymous

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don’t know. I used too, but don’t anymore.

Person: why’d you stop?

Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I’d try something.

Depression

Anonymous

A depressed boy went to high five a tree guess what the tree did? The tree left him hanging

Depression

Ivan

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed

Hell

The Man

(A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing)

Man: Ah… suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump? Lady: Yep. I hate this world. Man: Well, if your gonna die, can we have sex before you jump? Lady: Hell no! You creep! Man: Ok, fine. I guess I’ll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore…

5
Advertisement

Son

Anonymous

A mom gave her son “the talk”. her son replies "wait so there really isn’t candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.

Gun

eman ruoy backwards

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

0

Confusion

Anonymous

A kid asks hims mom “mom how much do you love me” the mother responds with “i love you as much as i love your brother” the kid looks confused and says “but i don’t have a brother” the mother smiles and says "well i guess my love is not existing

Lip

What's it to ya?

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips Friend: Uh, I guess that’s somewhat nor- Me: Lower lips Friend: I gotta go

Advertisement

Puns

Iran to Pakistan

“Guess how I got to Germany so fast?”

“Because I was Russian!”

Battery

Ellisha

Guess Stephens batteries died

3

Sally

Anonymous

What do you call a kid who’s been kidnapped?

Well, her name’s Sally, so I guess… Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

2