Guess jokes
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
I told my wife she was lousy in bed.
She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"
A blind guy shot up a town.
I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.
You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.
My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.
Guess what?
What?
Chicken butt!
I tried to search stuff about 9/11 for a research project, but it didn’t work... I guess the site crashed.
What do you call a stabbed pig?
Porkchopped.
What is a pig's favorite Food Network channel?
Pork Chopped!
Hah, got 'em (I guess)!
What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?
Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.
Guess what song was playing during 9/11? Timber by Ke$ha.
Bully: Ha, guess what?
Nerd: What?
Bully: You are adopted.
Nerd: At least I was wanted!
I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).
There’s nothing funny about orphans, right?
Well, I guess that depends on your sense of humor.
Freshman: Hey, what's better, Ford or Chevy?
Senior: I don't f**kin' care as long as it drives.
Freshman: So, I'm guessing it's Chevy?
When you are losing at Tetris, I guess the odds are STACKED against you.
It is a known fact that you cannot say “harassment” without “her ass.”
I guess you could say, “harassment something.”
Which room has no doors and no windows?
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.