What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What do you call a green camel?
My parents left me.
What turns green to red in a flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.
Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.
Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
What's red, green, and slimy and slides down the chip shop window?
Abortion of chips.
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!
Why is a cabbage green? Because it's in Greenland.
There was a fancy dress party; the theme was emotions.
One guy came dressed in green, and he was envy; another person came dressed in red, and she was anger; another guy came dressed in blue, and he was sadness. Two Indians came, one came with a hole in a pear and his d*** was in the pear, said he was deep in dis"pear." The other Indian came with his d*** in custard, and he said he was f***ing dicustard!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What is blue, green, flat, and has teeth?
The Earth, but I lied about the teeth.
What's green and furry?
Fiona from Shrek.
These are all of my terrible jokes.
Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.
Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.
Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.
What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!
What's red, green, and smells like shit?
... Red and green shit.
