Good

Good jokes

Driver

What do women and Nvidia have in common?

They both do not make very good drivers.

Peter Pan

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands. (This joke is good because it never gets old.)

Exorcism

Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s when the Devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body.

Poetry

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

Satan

Angel: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Satan: Could you like FUCK OFF FOR ONE MINUTE?

Memes

Job

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

Dog

My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!

My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄

Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.

Salad

Cesar: What was that good salad called?

Servant: Ceaser, Cesar.

Cesar: Okay, what's going to be the weather like?

Servant: Hail, Cesar.

Cesar: Yes, I know "Hail Cesar," but I need to know what the weather's like!

Servant: Well, it's hail, Cesar.

Cesar: AHHHHH! Send him to the DUNGEONS! NOW!

Pornography

It was pornography class, and there was a break.

Two adults were "having a good time" till the teacher says...

Teacher: Hey! SAY ALL THE NUMBERS TO 10,000 NOW!

Adult 1: How about I say my ABC's?

Teacher: Go ahead, I guess...

Adult 1: A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Teacher: Where's the D?

Adult 2: Inside me...

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  • Baby

    Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

    1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

    2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

    3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

    4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

    5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

    6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

    7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

    8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

    9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

    10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

    Shelter

    What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

    "Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

    Wheelchair

    What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"

    Faith

    I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.

    Soda Can

    Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?

    Good thing it was a "soft" drink!

    Principal

    Boy: The principal is so dumb!

    Girl: Do you know who I am?

    Boy: No...

    Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

    Boy: Do you know who I am?

    Girl: No...

    Boy: Good! *Walks away*

    Ball

    Papyrus: Well come to the underground.

    Sans: How was your falls?

    Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.

    Sans: Give me your balls!

    Orphan

    Why is "Frozen" a good movie for orphans?

    Because they know how to "let it go" when their parents went.

    Aunt

    My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

    I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.